To everything there is a season

December’s season.

Families & friends, holiday greetings, travel, entertaining and celebrations of food, fun and fine beverages. It’s quiet in my little house today, with the crackling you-tube Fireplace video and holiday tunes on the radio. I’ve been out for a short walk, trimmed a good handful of rose-hips from the bushes to make tea later. Meanwhile, I sip on the nettle tea my healer friend & neighbor Erin brought to me, along with a big pot of soup my other healer friend & Kim neighbor delivered.

Since I last wrote in June, I’ve completed the entire regimen of chemotherapy outlined for me (not easy, let me tell you). I’ve gotten rid of that nasty kidney drain and both kidneys are doing fine as is my heart and lungs and much of me, actually. Legs, good, vision, good, arms and feet all working properly.

After all the treatment for the ovarian cancer, I developed more cancer – in my right breast which necessitated a mastectomy in October, a month after a second hysterectomy and cancer clearing in my abdomen. No more pregnancies for me.

Last week I developed complications of the cancer, the newest diagnosis of peritoneal carcinomatosis, and spent a week and a half in hospital. Lucky for me, all the complications have been reversed and I’m no longer feeling as bad as I did then. The excruciating pain and nausea is gone and I was given the opportunity to learn the personal physical benefits of morphine when the pain could not be relieved by anything else. Nowadays, I’m back to acetaminophen when I need.

Just the fact that I can get my brain in action to write again is my wish for the day. I’ve looked forward to this day a long time. Family and friends are taking good care of me, bringing me meals, visiting with me and me with them. Mollie, my RN daughter, has been my rock for much of this treatment, with Matt and all my kids and grandkids pitching in. It seems as if we’ve done it all.

There’s no further treatment for my cancer. I’ve been through the battles, and I’m thankful I tried, but I’m done with that. I was hoping for 3-5 years and I’ve gotten a few months which bring me here.

I chose to come home from hospital on hospice, which provides me my own personal care team with RN, who will keep me supplied with whatever meds or fancy equipment I need. When I asked her about a couple of my current symptoms, she was good to point out the symptoms I’m noticing is from my disease, not from dying. Two separate ideas in a new perspective.

I have a team to work with me and my kids, a Physician, spiritual advisor, social worker and a music therapist (singer songwriter w/guitar) who will come and provide a little concert for me and the family. When the spiritual advisor called to introduce herself, she asked me if I had any important spiritual habits. “Well, a bit of astrology, some witchy woo magic and a bit of Buddhism thrown in…”

She was pleased to hear this as she is a zen priest in her own right, though she did say her practice within hospice is non-denominational. I feel as if I lucked out here.

I’m not in bad shape today, I’m energized with a little CDB/THC gummy and find that if I eat one each day, I do feel better and am able to do get some things done. Clearing out cupboards, closets, drawers to bag up my belongings I no longer use to deliver to Goodwill, the Homeless Shelter, the American Cancer Society charity shop or to the trash. Not my first round of clutter-clearing. I’ve been listening to an audible book by the name of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleansing, more or less about how we can clear out our belongings so that our loved ones don’t have to do it after we’re gone. It feels good to be busy throwing out excess ‘stuff’. I will say I’m leaving all the art, photos, etc. here where I can enjoy them.

I’ve set aside my bowling ball to give to my bowling buddy Kirk, who can find a home for it. I’ll be packing up some books for delivery to the Friends of the Library. My son Tom, now living on the east coast will be here for a few days, 12/21-26, and I’m going to count on him delivering whatever I’ve got ready. And relying on him for daily piano serenades.

My biggest give-away is my dark blue carry-on suitcase – gone to the great suitcase heaven in the sky. I think my longest relationship other than family was with that suitcase, joining me so many times to see Dan in Thailand, Jonny in Scotland, couch surfers in Belfast and Northern Ireland, my niece Mary in London, Tim in Wales, Tim and his family in Thailand as well. I’ve gone to see Margret in Dingle, river trips with my brother Fred in Colorado and brother Mike/Lynn and Disney World and my nieces and nephews and their kids all on the east coast where I hopped skipped and jumped a train to visit Kelly and Cristy in Richmond. I almost forgot my wonderful meetup with Lizzie and her dad in Cork. They had so much more than a single carry0n. lol.

I met Mimoune and his family in Morocco with that suitcase in hand, spent many days in Cancun with Carmen and in Isla Mujeres with Kelley with the little blue suitcase and a swimsuit. I met up with my friend Jorge at the Eco Hostel near Chichen Itza. I traveled to see great friends Roger, Michelle, and Francoise in Belgium. I met Nancie while visiting Chiang Mai one year long ago.Getting to Nova Scotia is sadly going to elude me.

I wore her out as best I could, one time a car/train trip to Chimayo New Mexico with Rachel and four of our grandkids, after attending Mollie’s graduation ceremony in Denver. We’ve been on a few cross country train trips together, both the U.S and Canada, meeting up with Mary Ellen (mom’s cousin?) in Colorado, an oldie but a goodie Professor Ray in British Columbia and traveling with a a bunch of wild and crazy couch-surfers across the country. And to Niagara Falls to see that part of the world with Donna. Indeed, many of my friends around the world, forever friends now, we all started out as couch–surfers, online message groups of traveling folks.

Trips to Paris and London to see my niece Mary, Marseilles to visit with Adrienne, a long time friend from my days at Enchanted Hills Camp and so many visits with my other EHC San Francisco friends Tony, Betty, Bill and Jay who have each probably lifted that suitcase at one point or another. Not to mention the days and nights I spent at EHC as a camp nurse over 10 (?) camp seasons!

We road tripped to Sacramento to visit Lynda, to Crescent City to see Kelley and the Nolans, and a bit north to see Rhonda and Vic. So many trips to Shasta to see Tom, a meetup with Dianna and a bunch of road trips to Santa Cruz, visiting Dana and of course, the Santa Cruz Beach and Boardwalk, highlights of my life since I was born in Santa Cruz, where I believe the world began.

Trips back and forth from the airports int he Bay Area and to visit my Aunt Marne in Fremont, to pick up another piece of art in the City from Eduardo, always with a few belongings in that little blue suitcase. And lest I forget, all those magnificent high school reunions with Ginger, Carole, Carolyn, Valerie/Dennis, Lynda, Marilyn and so many wonderful friends. After all these years you never forget the neighborhood kids you went to school with.

Oh, and yes – my very first international trip in 2007 when I went to see The Boss in Bilboa, Spain, not my only trip to Spain with that little suitcase. By the end of this road, she’s definitely tattered and worn, no longer so shiny, but filled to the brim with sights, sounds and cherished memories. My travels always included old friends, meeting new friends, exploring oh, so many beautiful and wonderful places we human beings live on this planet.

I know you’re all there for me and I appreciate it so much. All your warm greetings and words of love and joy, the love we’ve had for each other for a lifetime. A long life of good times and beautiful days can be summed up in this little gift from my little 4-year old grand-daughter Vivi (Howie/Heather). It is a beautiful paperweight, filled with bright white and yellow sunflowers and a poem: “Mimi, you have loved me since I was born but I have loved you my whole entire life. I love you.”

I think there may be a hard road ahead, not immediately, for me and for my family and friends, because as you all know, we never get out alive. And we’re never alone. Hopefully, it will be an easy path.

Today, though, I feel good as I can, grateful for the day and for all of you as reasons to get up to my laptop and write again. I hope I caught all the typos. I hope you enjoyed my reminiscences. LOL.

With any luck, I’ll see you in my dreams.